Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Our lives take on so many feelings as we live it, that it is hard for them not to build layers, much like the earth. I am a strong believer that we must get rid of layers a little at a time to prevent developing a hard crust that binds us from living our lives freely. Getting rid of layers takes trust, however something that I haven't been strongly suited for. I am learning how to trust gradually, but I have been filled with guilt and shame for such a long time, that the process is slow.

I am an alcoholic, and have Bi-Polar Disorder. Both of which are being treated, so while I am stable on both fronts, I have a butt load of painful past to put behind me. Having one of these problems is bad enough to produce erratic, damaging behavior. The two combined set ME off on a whirlwind of ridiculous destruction. I know that I am not unique, by any stretch of the imagination. Catrillions of other people throughout the world suffer as I have. I am only focusing on my life and my behavior, because it is important for me to face my own demons.

I have been in recovery for alcoholism, several times. Each time I relapsed, I ended up worse than before. (Damn, I should have listened to those people!) I alienated myself from my older children, because I was ashamed of who I had become. I've lost the privilege to continue talking to my eldest daughter. She wants nothing to do with me. I don't blame her, but it's a tough pill to swallow. My son still talks to me and for that I am grateful. I've missed out on their lives and I regret that everyday. I am definitely not a perfect mom to my younger ones. I try, and they seem to be content. I am very judgemental of myself. Not very patient with my growth process, something that I know to be just that, a process. My wife skills are a bit raw. I like to be a good wife, I'm just sometimes not very good at it. Maybe that's just the way I see myself. Who knows. My dog, Roscoe on the other hand, adores me. He's my little buddy.

I don't think that I am a bad person, just so you know. I have just not always used good judgement. I'm not the poster child for responsibility, finance or being upwardly mobile. I am on the other hand, compassionate, loving and honest. So I guess, since we can't have it all, I'll take that.

This has been a nice little journal day for me, as I haven't a creative bone in my body today. It's raining, I feel quiet and think that I will get cozy and read for bit. I hope that if you have read this, something in here will have made sense.


It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. ~Ursula K. LeGuin~

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Diary of a Tortilla Queen

I grew up with a Mexican family. My mother and I, both Caucasian. Yes, I was the little girl that looked like a little Q'tip head in all the family photos. It is not my intention to offend anyone who believes that every Mexican should be called Hispanic, by the way. Our family is Mexican and very proud of it. Purely out of coincidence, I am married to someone whose mother is Caucasian and his father was a migrant laborer from, you guessed it, Mexico. The history is really not that important, it just sets the tone perhaps for what I'd like to say.

When I was a young girl, my babysitter, Mrs. Apadaca made the most delicious tortillas, everyday. I would watch her put such love and care into making the dough, rolling the dough, cooking the dough. Oh that smell!!! Until, suddenly the most beautiful and delicious tortillas would be ready for her family and yes me to eat. I always marveled at how kind and loving she was to her family and to me, for this simple act. It was bread.

But really if you think about it bread is the food of life. It is so in the bible and everywhere else on earth. At least if you're not carb free. I have often given thought to all the women who have done exactly that same thing for their families and communities so that they would not go hungry. The amount of love and kindness in every step.

My daughter is a bean burrito freak. She doesn't want anything but beans and tortilla. I spend allot of money on tortillas. It occurred to me the other day, that it might be fun to make tortillas. I found a mix, (cheating I know) and we made tortillas. I couldn't make them fast enough for my family and even our dog. Oh my goodness!!! So apparently, I've added a duty to my life. Because they don't want the store bought kind anymore. It's o.k. though because it reminds me of all the women in the world who take such great care of their families, out of love. In addition to their fine contributions to the world in their many other endeavors, to make it such a rich place to live.


It seems to me that our three basic needs, for food and security and love, are so entwined that we cannot think of one without the other. ~~M.F.K. Fisher~~

Monday, August 11, 2008


Do you ever have those days, I'm sure that you do, where you are running from hither to yon 90 miles per hour, all day long and never get anything accomplished. Well, I call those my hampster on a wheel days.

Lots of days are like that for me lately. Well at least since summer vacation started.
I know that it is because of my little tornadoes who require that I do everything for them. It is my fault I know, because I have parented them out of guilt for the way I didn't parent my older two. Not exactly proud of that fact, really. I have a lot of work to do to repair this whole business, or I will spend the next 15 or so years, talking to myself in grocery stores, Drs. Offices, Libraries and the like. Horrified by my inability to control my children. I know that the problem is with me, acceptance. Not easy to look at my inconsistencies and remember that I ignored behavior for awhile. It will take time and patience and yes hard work. I am happy that I have the chance to try again.

Simple thought:

Everything in life that we really accept undergoes a change. ~~Katherine Mansfield ~~


The real me is a little complicated. I am constantly both sides of the coin. Try as I might, and I do, I can't seem to be absolutely on a firm footing with myself. I have struggled with Alcoholism, mental illness and low self-esteem for many years. Happily, I am now well on the road to finding peace and recovery on all of those fronts. It is a process and will be for the rest of my life. But I am a willing participant. This I know is half the battle. I have a few true friends, those that I cherish and would die for. Otherwise, my world is made up of maintaing my recovery and caring for my family. I have two older children, that do not live with me. I, unfortunately hurt them tremendously with my absence from their life. But if they were along for the ride that I've been on since then, I'm sure they would think that I did them a favor. I pray each day that their hearts will be healed.

On other fronts, the accepting of myself hasn't been easy. I feel like a failure alot, like I haven't accomplished much in the way that most people my age have. Hell, most people half my age have done better. While this is true, I also know two things, 1). I'm not perfect and 2). I'm not dead yet. So with each day, there is new opportunity for learning, acheiving and yes, even growing up. I am grateful for the new chance that I have at living my life instead of just existing.

I will leave you with a thought from one of my favorite books:

All you need is deep within you waiting to unfold and reveal itself. All you have to do is be still and take time to seek for what is within and you will surely find it.
~~Eileen Caddy~~