Wednesday, August 20, 2008

LAYERS OF FEELINGS!

Our lives take on so many feelings as we live it, that it is hard for them not to build layers, much like the earth. I am a strong believer that we must get rid of layers a little at a time to prevent developing a hard crust that binds us from living our lives freely. Getting rid of layers takes trust, however something that I haven't been strongly suited for. I am learning how to trust gradually, but I have been filled with guilt and shame for such a long time, that the process is slow.

I am an alcoholic, and have Bi-Polar Disorder. Both of which are being treated, so while I am stable on both fronts, I have a butt load of painful past to put behind me. Having one of these problems is bad enough to produce erratic, damaging behavior. The two combined set ME off on a whirlwind of ridiculous destruction. I know that I am not unique, by any stretch of the imagination. Catrillions of other people throughout the world suffer as I have. I am only focusing on my life and my behavior, because it is important for me to face my own demons.

I have been in recovery for alcoholism, several times. Each time I relapsed, I ended up worse than before. (Damn, I should have listened to those people!) I alienated myself from my older children, because I was ashamed of who I had become. I've lost the privilege to continue talking to my eldest daughter. She wants nothing to do with me. I don't blame her, but it's a tough pill to swallow. My son still talks to me and for that I am grateful. I've missed out on their lives and I regret that everyday. I am definitely not a perfect mom to my younger ones. I try, and they seem to be content. I am very judgemental of myself. Not very patient with my growth process, something that I know to be just that, a process. My wife skills are a bit raw. I like to be a good wife, I'm just sometimes not very good at it. Maybe that's just the way I see myself. Who knows. My dog, Roscoe on the other hand, adores me. He's my little buddy.

I don't think that I am a bad person, just so you know. I have just not always used good judgement. I'm not the poster child for responsibility, finance or being upwardly mobile. I am on the other hand, compassionate, loving and honest. So I guess, since we can't have it all, I'll take that.

This has been a nice little journal day for me, as I haven't a creative bone in my body today. It's raining, I feel quiet and think that I will get cozy and read for bit. I hope that if you have read this, something in here will have made sense.

SIMPLE THOUGHT:

It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. ~Ursula K. LeGuin~

1 comment:

The Pastoral Princess said...

Shedding the layers is my biggest fear and dread.....

The layers shining underneath you are beautiful!