Our lives take on so many feelings as we live it, that it is hard for them not to build layers, much like the earth. I am a strong believer that we must get rid of layers a little at a time to prevent developing a hard crust that binds us from living our lives freely. Getting rid of layers takes trust, however something that I haven't been strongly suited for. I am learning how to trust gradually, but I have been filled with guilt and shame for such a long time, that the process is slow.
I am an alcoholic, and have Bi-Polar Disorder. Both of which are being treated, so while I am stable on both fronts, I have a butt load of painful past to put behind me. Having one of these problems is bad enough to produce erratic, damaging behavior. The two combined set ME off on a whirlwind of ridiculous destruction. I know that I am not unique, by any stretch of the imagination. Catrillions of other people throughout the world suffer as I have. I am only focusing on my life and my behavior, because it is important for me to face my own demons.
I have been in recovery for alcoholism, several times. Each time I relapsed, I ended up worse than before. (Damn, I should have listened to those people!) I alienated myself from my older children, because I was ashamed of who I had become. I've lost the privilege to continue talking to my eldest daughter. She wants nothing to do with me. I don't blame her, but it's a tough pill to swallow. My son still talks to me and for that I am grateful. I've missed out on their lives and I regret that everyday. I am definitely not a perfect mom to my younger ones. I try, and they seem to be content. I am very judgemental of myself. Not very patient with my growth process, something that I know to be just that, a process. My wife skills are a bit raw. I like to be a good wife, I'm just sometimes not very good at it. Maybe that's just the way I see myself. Who knows. My dog, Roscoe on the other hand, adores me. He's my little buddy.
I don't think that I am a bad person, just so you know. I have just not always used good judgement. I'm not the poster child for responsibility, finance or being upwardly mobile. I am on the other hand, compassionate, loving and honest. So I guess, since we can't have it all, I'll take that.
This has been a nice little journal day for me, as I haven't a creative bone in my body today. It's raining, I feel quiet and think that I will get cozy and read for bit. I hope that if you have read this, something in here will have made sense.
It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end. ~Ursula K. LeGuin~